how it was

when i was a small kid, my mother spoke to me the way she would speak to an adult. very direct, and strict, too. i asked her about it this winter, and she said 'i talked to you that way because you understood everything." i didn't though! she thought i did. i asked her if she knew i could read before going to school and she said 'i saw that the kid could read, it didn't matter how or when, it just mattered that you could read. so, on to the next thing," and she really made sense to me, she stopped seeming so tough and appeared very sensible. it seems better then to not pay special attention to the kid if they are one way or another. it made me think my mother was so kind in a different way, you know? like she would love a child who was self-taught the same way she would love a child who needed a lot of help, because the point isn't who is good at what, but just that you love the person.

that's the whole point of everything! that's what we've got! everything is tough all the time, just being is tough. one time there was a lecture where a woman stood up and in front of over a hundred people, abandoned her notes and broke into tears, saying that she did not understand love and she alone was unlovable. and the audience was confused and did not want to have any of it. it wasn't that they were incapable of sympathy for the woman, but that everyone feels like that, and love is hard for all people! not just her! that is why when people choose good things and when something amazing happens, it really counts for so much.

when i was in school, my favourite stuff was by kierkegaard, because he was all about faith - you have to believe in stuff in and of itself, even when it is most impossible and not in style, there is some truth in you (the feeling we call a 'heart'), and that feeling is what you've got to go on. he was talking about religion, but i took it to mean the things that i felt that seemed impossible, but somehow they felt very true to me. he is not ancient, but definitely olden. holy, imagine kierkegaard now.

now for ancient for real: heraclitis, a greek man, who said that the only thing you can count on in the world and in life is change and flux, so get into it. this is tricky! humans want things to count on something....so, i guess you count on something and then when it changes, you can at least know that the crap-attack way you feel will also change...

yuuuh! hi guys! i am sitting on the stairs in my apartment to get this signal! guys, hi! today i fell asleep in the day and it did not end! now i feel a feeling that is lightly floaty and dreamy but also somehow stuck. like the scenes in the Shawshank Redemption when they are out in the courtyard. my head feels like that right now.

what is this, what do you think about anything, how does it go.....
hey, when everyone is away, does the computer screen turn out to look at you?
answer: no.